My Son and I Had the Talk -- About Oligarchs
Talk to your kids about oligarchs, before it's too late
INT. KITCHEN — MORNING
Dreary early spring day in a dreary, decaying condo.
A middle-aged father — often sad and always mad — sips coffee and slathers Nutella on his five-year-old son's chocolate chip pancakes.
With the women of the house shuffling between soccer games and grocery shopping, the father has gone on sweeping soliloquies about the inexorable mechanics of the central limit theorem, the intrinsic worthlessness of cryptocurrency, and the mathematical certainty his son will one day be betrayed by a White woman.
The son — frequently curious though rarely lucid — cherishes these special moments with his father, and asks an all-important follow-up question.
SON
(Energized)
Dad, who would win: Baht-man or Supah-man?
FATHER
Oooh, that's a tricky one, Bud. Who do you think would win?
SON
(Confident)
Supah-man! He's supah stwrong and supah fa-ast.
FATHER
That's true. He can also shoot laser beams from his eyes.
SON
Yeah!
FATHER
Superman is a formidable foe, no doubt. But you're forgetting about Batman's superpower. Do you remember what makes Batman so strong?
SON
(Certain)
Weapons! He has a Bat claw! And boo-muh-rangs! And a Bat-mow-bill!
FATHER
Yep, Batman sure has a lot of weapons. He's a world-class engineer and a bona fide ninja, too. But Batman also possesses something even more powerful.
SON
(Uncertain)
Tools?
FATHER
Batman has many tools as well. But where do all his tools and weapons come from?
SON
(Confident again)
His brain!
FATHER
That's correct, Bud. Batman is super smart, and being super smart is the second-most important superpower. But there's another superpower which is way more unstoppable. Do you know what it is?
SON
Um, well...
FATHER
Remember, Batman is Bruce Wayne. And what does Bruce Wayne have a lot of?
SON
(Excited)
Muh-nee!
FATHER
(Excited)
Money!
And money is the ultimate superpower. Bruce Wayne is definitely super smart, but smarts will only take you so far. For example, many super smart people are dead broke and therefore incapable of transforming themselves into an extrajudicial vigilante with a high-powered arsenal.
Conversely, there are plenty of total dunce caps who are super rich and therefore more than capable of dismantling democracy and destroying the entire planet.
Remember, the scariest supervillains of all are evil, smart, and rich. Like Lex Luthor. Or the Kingpin. Or Iron Man.
SON
(Mental gears turning)
Oh, I get it! Because Bruce Way-ayne has a lot of muh-nee, he can just buy lots of weapons to deh-feet Supah-man.
FATHER
Now you're cooking, Bud.
See, Superman may be super fast and super strong and shoot laser beams from his eyes, but he doesn't own legions of offshore LLCs which he can use to launder billions of ill-gotten gains, avoid paying corporate or personal income taxes, and corner the Kryptonite market.
Those types of superpowers are limited to a very special type of supervillain called an oligarch. Oligarchs use their grotesque wealth and immense resources to buy political influence, escape legal accountability, and pretty much commit and get away with whatever crimes they want.
Batman, via his oligarch alter ego Bruce Wayne, is basically one of the ten most dangerous characters ever invented. Pretty frightening, huh?
SON
(Wistful)
Yeah.
But I like Supah-man.
And I still think he would win.
FATHER
(Wistful)
You have a good heart, Bud. Like your mom.
SON
(Happy)
Yeah, Mommy is kind.
FATHER
She is. And it's important to be kind.
But just so we're clear, the correct answer is Batman.
