A Conspiracy of Dunces

For five straight years the members of my Podunk condo association have tirelessly worked to drive me insane. Now, on this Third Day of March, in the Year Twenty-Twenty-Three, I exact merciless revenge.

WELCOME!

Dear Neighbor,

Congratulations on purchasing your new home and welcome to Sunnyside Condominiums!

Centered in the heart of Chicago’s coveted Lincoln Park neighborhood, our fabulous location features convenient access to shopping, fine dining, entertainment, green spaces, and — most importantly — is inaccessible to plebes, minorities, and other undesirables.

These world-class amenities make Sunnyside one of the most sought after places to live in our wonderful, crime-laden, hellscape of a city!

A COLD WAR RAGES

As fellow Sunnyside residents we know settling into your new home can be an exciting, joyous, and anxiety-inducing time, and we wish you a smooth transition as you begin your new life.

Unfortunately, we must also warn you it’s not all kittens and rainbows at Sunnyside Condominiums.

And there’s a crucially important aspect of your home-buying journey which you may not truly understand.

See, you’re now a prisoner of the Sunnyside Condominium Homeowners Association (SCHOA), a dysfunctional bureaucracy plagued by internecine guerilla conflict and facing a fraught, perilous future.

Recently the SCHOA board was seized in a bloodless coup by two unit owners with a radical policy agenda.

Well, it wasn’t technically a coup since all six unit owners voted unanimously to approve these extremists as President and Treasurer. But seriously, you have no idea how infuriating it was dealing with these insatiable ballbusters, and honestly it’s just a lot easier letting these blowhards take over so they can pretend like they’re in charge.

Anyway, these democratically-elected terrorists have been agitating for a shocking transformation of SCHOA, and are pushing dangerous new ideas, including:

• Maintaining, upkeeping, and repairing common areas and elements
• Forecasting capital expenditures on a routine and predictable basis
• Enforcing communal rights and owner responsibilities
• Adequately funding SCHOA’s operating and reserve accounts
• Digitizing communications and enhancing financial transparency

Needless to say, we at Condo Conspiracy Club do not agree with this militant policy agenda, and we’ll do whatever it takes to derail these brazen attempts at so-called “progress.”

WHO WE ARE AND WHY WE MATTER

Condo Conspiracy Club believes in the absolute sanctity of individual rights and wholeheartedly rejects collectivist dogma, which leads to emotional enslavement and financial subjugation.

While it’s true we all bought condominiums — which are by definition communal and collectivist in nature — we only did so because our parents didn’t pull themselves up by their bootstraps hard enough to buy us single family homes in this area. Or, because the socialist welfare machine in Springfield unjustly taxed us into upper middle class oblivion.

To protect individual unit owners like us from the added horrors of SCHOA’s Marxist leviathan, we founded Condo Conspiracy Club and adopted the following core principles:

Evade, deflect, obfuscate

This three-step protocol has successfully led to the cancellation of numerous SCHOA quarterly meetings, prevented Condo Conspiracy Club members from incurring routine maintenance costs, and made it impossible to assess SCHOA’s financial condition. Have Condo Conspiracy Club members laundered money in the past? Maybe. Who knows?! We don’t keep adequate financial records.

If you see something, say nothing

The best way to prevent the Radical SCHOA Deep State from seizing the hard-earned money your parents send you every month is by pretending there’s never anything wrong with the building. Ever. See that water intrusion in the basement of the storage area? Me either!

Why put off until tomorrow what you can theoretically put off forever?

Condo Conspiracy Club members have backgrounds in banking, real-estate, and engineering. We’re super smart, and we know that waiting to address potentially problematic situations until they’re utterly FUBAR saves money in the long run. Something, something, net present value, or something, right? Anyway, Condo Conspiracy Club never spends $10,000 to fix something today when we can spend $25,000 to cover catastrophic damage and repairs tomorrow. Math rules.

Operate in bad faith, claim ignorance

Selectively enforcing SCHOA’s bylaws has helped Condo Conspiracy Club members avoid critical infrastructure investments while simultaneously passing on unit-specific costs to the entire Association. When insurgents have challenged these willfully inconsistent interpretations in the past we’ve credibly feigned ignorance. Luckily, in America, being a complete fucking moron isn’t a crime.

Condo Conspiracy Club’s commitment to these ideals has protected our unearned, inherited, and regressively taxed wealth from SCHOA overreach.

Now we must double down on our existing belief system to ensure SCHOA remains crippled and ineffective — like congress.

CONDO CONSPIRACY CLUB NEEDS YOU!

Comrade, at this critical juncture our very likelihood teeters on the precipice.

The previous owner of your unit was one of Condo Conspiracy Club’s most valuable associates. He brought a never before seen combination of apathy, cynicism, incompetence, and cowardice to our organization, and will be deeply missed.

Now, Condo Conspiracy Club cordially invites you to take up arms for our cause.

If you don’t step in and fill the void left by our prior champion — who justifiably moved to the suburbs so his children won’t be groomed by CRT — the radicals may garner enough support to force every owner to properly follow SCHOA’s bylaws.

Such belligerence promises to maintain and protect the integrity of our entire building, which is an asset we all collectively own, and which we have a social, moral, and legally binding financial responsibility to uphold.

Condo Conspiracy Club cannot — will not — be ruled by collectivist tyranny, Comrade.

Reject their distorted vision of progress.

Resist their socialist shackles.

Join us.

Sincerely yours,

Bob in 3E

President, Condo Conspiracy Club